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Zara’s 嬷嬷 (Mama – Paternal Grand mother) July 12, 2006

Posted by Zara's Mama in bitching, development, parenting, Zara.
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The days when I was away for my work trip, Daddy got MIL to come and stay in our house so that she can keep an eye on our maid while he’s at work.

MIL’s style of caring for a child vs mine is very different, especially in these 3 areas :
1) She didn’t believe in breastfeeding, and thought I breast fed Zara for too long, making Zara too attached to me. She was so glad I finally weaned her off from the breast, even after I told her many times the benefit of breast feeding, including the DHA I’m giving Zara, and the boost of immunity she’s getting from all the breast milk.
2) She thinks that a baby should be and can be toilet trained by the 1st few months of life. She’s appalled that Zara is still not toilet trained by 1 1/2yrs. She said all her kids were toilet trained within the first few months. I don’t believe a child can hold their bowel movement or bladder at such a tender age. It’s more of her being ‘trained’ to bring them to the potty at specific intervals.
3) She over protect the child. Even now, she still has her arms stretched out around Zara when Zara walks about, she’s getting ready to catch Zara if Zara fell.

I’m actually quite glad that I get to bring up Zara my way, which is through reading lots of books written by child care experts. Tuyam, my maid, is not married and has not cared for a child before, so I thought her my desired method, and she followed them.

So when MIL came over to the house to stay, both Zara and her were in for some surprises.

MIL was shocked we allowed Zara to play in her bath for so long.
MIL was always following Zara with arms outstretched, Zara found it very annoying.
MIL tried to stop Zara from sucking her thumb, and or course Zara was very upset.

When I wasn’t around, Daddy told me that Zara has been asking MIL to be away from her. When Zara is upstairs, she would tell her Mama, “Mama, go down stairs!”
When Zara is downstairs, she would tell her Mama, “Mama, go up stairs!”
And sometimes MIL close her arms around Zara (ready to catch her if she falls), Zara would point to a corner and tell her Mama, “Mama, go there!”

When I was around, I saw Zara pushing MIL away when MIL tried to help her climb a chair or on to the sofa (which Zara is already an expert doing it). I had to chip in and tell Zara, “Cannot be rude to Mama. Mama is just helping ok?” or “Cannot push Mama away, you know Mama is Daddy’s Mummy and she sayang (Malay: Love) you very much?”. Zara would then turn towards MIL and give her a hug, as though to apologise.

I know MIL loves Zara and cares for her. However, her method is not one that Zara is used to, so Zara is not accepting her. I’m glad and thankful she was wiling to help out when we needed her help. However, I’m also glad that she’s not Zara’s main care giver, as I think Zara would be a very different person under her care.

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Comments»

1. Egghead - July 12, 2006

Zara has a lot of you in her huh? 😛

2. L B - July 12, 2006

Big hugs and kisses

3. Greenapple - July 12, 2006

haha i like egghead’s comment.

hopefully your MIL will leave Zara alone … haha. zara’s too cool.

4. chanelwong - July 12, 2006

sometimes other ppl especially our parents way of bringing up kids is different than we…I do experience that too but like you, Jeriel is taken care using my way, even his nanny also follow my way…

5. IMMomsDaughter - July 12, 2006

MIL are always over protective of their grandchild, at least mine is! Now, I have a “cry baby” 6 year old boy because of that *Sigh*

Btw, your comment “It’s more of her being ‘trained'” so farnylah..ha ha ha

6. See Fei - July 12, 2006

how do you mil communicate with zara? in english too? guess children like zara is just frank with their action. if mil is not what they are used to, they just tell you bluntly. glad you are telling zara “mama loves her too!”

7. may - July 12, 2006

I’m not close to my paternal grandmother, though she’s the only living grandparent right now. hugs to zara!

8. blurblur - July 12, 2006

Although mum is the main caregiver, she respects my way of bringing up Damien, so i would say Damien would still be who he is today if i were to look after him on my own! 😉

My MIL is also too protective over Damien, i guess all MIL are the same?

Zara hugs mama when you told her mama loves her, so sweet. I told Damien the same thing when he tried to push my MIL away, but he just stared at MIL and me…*slaps head*

9. Jesslyn - July 12, 2006

I thought most old folks prefer BF wan? MY mum and MIL yes, they feel quite upset i cannot bf their granddaughter! 😦

Zara also know how to chase ppl ya! Hi Five from Lyon! 😛

10. sesame - July 12, 2006

This is so interesting because I was just ranting to my hubby about my MIL and her over concerns towards Gavin.

Like you, I’m very glad that I was firm about not letting my MIL take care of Gavin. She is over protective for my liking too. And she’s quite clueless about certain aspects of child minding. I was shocked once because she held Gavin up without supporting his neck when he was very young.

Gavin is also like Zara. He is not very fond of my MIL. Always asking her to go home.

On the other hand, my mother is quite lax. She is knowledgeable about child minding but I’m not keen about her standards of hygiene where he is concern.

So I’m also glad that Gavin is taken care by my maid under my supervision.

11. Zara's Mama - July 12, 2006

Egghead,
She’s my daughter ma.. of course like me. Haha.

LB,
Oh thanks.. but I still want the figs!

Greenapple,
Oh, I actually feel sorry for MIL for being rejected by Zara. So I’d told her not to try to ‘protect’ her too much.
Zara would not feel so ‘suffocated’ that way.

Chanelwong,
Wow, you even got the Nanny to take care of Jeriel using your way? That’s amazing. I heard normally nanny tends to want to do it their way, since they think they are more experienced (like those confinement ladies).

Immomsdaugther,
I really hope my hubby or any of my in-laws are not reading this. 😛
I think grandparents as a whole would be protective towards their kids, but if it’s your parents, you’ll be able to ‘control’ or persuade them to see things your way. If they are your in laws, it’ll be different.

See Fei,
MIL speak to Zara in Cantonese or Mandarin. A language Zara is not familiar with, but I don’t mind that, that gives her the exposure and the chance to pick up another language.
I was actually glad Zara was quite diplomatic, and didn’t tell MIL upfront to go away but instead asked her to be some where else.. oh well, the message is the same but the delivery is different. 😛

May,
I always find kids are closer to their maternal grandma. All my siblings were very close with my maternal grandma, especially myself, but not close to our paternal grandparents at all.

Blurblur,
I find that if the caregiver is your mum, it’s easier because you can influence her more than your MIL (talking to own mum is easier than MIL).
Haha.. Damien is too cool.. : )

Jesslyn,
My MIL is against ler. Actually most old people are against. Do you see many confinement ladies being pro-breastfeeding? Quite hard to find one. But younger people now are more pro.

Sesame,
Most MIL are like that I guess, and so difficult to persuade them (unlike your own mother).
But from your description of you MIL, yikes, I think she really has no clue about handling an infant.
Don’t we all feel glad and proud that the child is taken care using our method? I definitely do.

12. Simple American - July 12, 2006

Its tough on some grandparents, but their grandkids should be brought up by their children. Good she helps you out, but she should really follow your rules. I don’t like for anyone but my wife and I to punish my kids even. That’s our burden.

13. shoppingmum - July 12, 2006

I’m staying with MIL who’s a bit paranoid with her grandchildren jumping up and down too, and will hope that babies are potty trained since day one!!!
But at least she doesn’t say anything about breastfeeding now.
However, I like the way Zara’s is brought up, she will be a very confident girl.

14. Vien - July 13, 2006

Our parents generation are old-schooled but sometimes I find their way useful. Potty training is one good example. And yes, u’re right about the parents being trained to look at their child’s reaction when they pee/poop. I find it cleaner when Belle is able to poop in the potty. So, I can’t really say training me to help her in the potty training process isn’t helpful. 🙂

My mom used to complain about me b/f Belle for over 3 months. Now she is here, not a peep from her..hehe. She kept complimenting how “smart” her grand daughter is..and i just said, yea, that’s bcos she is still drinking breast milk. 😛

15. Zara's Mama - July 13, 2006

Simple American,
It’s different in Asian countries. Grandparents expect you to follow their ways, and they will try to influnce or nag you.
My MIL has labelled me arrogant since I don’t listen to her, but I really don’t care. It’s my daugther, and I will bring her up my way.

Shoppingmum,
At least you MIL supports you breastfeeding. My MIL was nagging me since day 1. I think she doesn’t like it that Zara clings to me, she says it’s my breasts she’s clinging on.
See, now, I’d stopped breastfeeding her, and she still clings on to me, so her theory is not right. 😛

Vien,
Oh, my MIL’s definitioin of potty trained is not just that. She thinks Zara should not be wearing a diaper any more.
Zara is trained in certain ways, she does her business only at certain time of the day. However, she just refused to do it on the potty.
I tried to persuade her to use her potty, and you know what, she just held on to her bowel for 2 days. Went on strike! So I know she’s not ready.
They always say when they are ready, they will be ‘trained’ in a week. I’m waiting for her to be ready.
Now, your mum is supportive huh? I always find it’s easier to make your mum listen to you than your in laws.

16. Allyfeel - July 13, 2006

She certainly knows what she wants by ordering 嬷嬷 go elsewhere. 🙂

Well, I guess most grandparents “Kan Cheong” about their grandchildren. It’s just that their method may not be the best. But what you told zara was very well. She would still learn to respect the elderly that way.

17. kwloong - July 13, 2006

Do we have the same MIL or what? hehehe.. Oh well, at least your MIL can help out in her special way.

michelle

18. Adrian & Alvan - July 13, 2006

Emm..I noticed that most eldest like to compared the way their rising up children with their DIL hor, (I said most not all), no matter how they will have others opinion, just take it as advices. My Mom also have different opinion with me too, sometimes we do argued.
I not stay with MIL and she seldom come and visit us also, and from the very 1st day that she know that I have my way, so she wont make sound of what I do cos she know that if I had decided I wont change mah.
No matter what, they just sayang our kids, right.

19. geetha - July 13, 2006

I guess Zara was used to your way and felt restricted with MIL’s ways.. Pity MILs.. but she has to give in coz’ generation changes and kids are not the same as those days 🙂

It’s easier that you are the main caregiver of Zara. So, it’s your rule that stands.. I can say much when at in-laws coz they would butt in and change my rules! So, I rather (only) handle my kids at home.. *sigh*

20. Helen - July 13, 2006

Like many other comments before me, I agree that by definition of helping, the person should ‘help’ in areas where they are required. Maybe it would help if your hubby or you just let your MIL know what you would like her to help with. 🙂

Of course, you are the Queen of your household and your rule stands. lol

21. Sabrina - July 13, 2006

I’ve already got lotsa experience with MIL vs my way of bringing up Keith. I’d rather take care of Keith myself coz’ it’s so heartache at times seeing how she take care of Keith her way. Eventhough how much I’ve told her or advice her, she’ll still do her way. SOmetimes, my maid even get so fed up and complaint to me.

22. Gene Lim - July 14, 2006

tell me abt it! hhehhe..lucky u that u r not staying with ur mil…

i am starting to have problems with her now… whenever i punish Ryan (he has to sit on his notty chair) , she will rite away carry him up…
without letting Ryan understand what happened and what wrong he has done..

man i am soo frustrated….

23. Simple American - July 14, 2006

And in the eyes of God you are correct. So I applaud you.

24. HMom - July 14, 2006

Most MILs dont seem to support breastfeeding. Mine used to throw away my espressed breast milk from the fridge and give formula instead. THat was such a heartbreaking moment for me. Anyway,I was grateful for her help when I first went back to work after Harvynna was born

25. domestic rat - July 14, 2006

The one thing I cannot tolerate is when I saw MM’s grandma spooning the porridge into her mouth, moved the contents about, and then spit them out and fed to her great grand daughter. I was errrr… on the verge of puking!!!!

26. Zara's Mama - July 17, 2006

Allyfeel,
I wouldn’t want to influence Zara or make her dislike MIL, so I’ll have to help to say some good things about MIL. But I was really grateful that she was willing to come and help. That’s my way of saying Thank You I guess. 😛

Michelle,
Haha.. you can copy and paste this post then if our MILs are the same.

Rachel,
MIL especially likes to make comparisons.. Own mother can at least get influenced by us. 😛
My MIL also knows I won’t follow her method, so now, she too leave me alone although she will still nag once a while.

Geetha,
Yes, I think MIL’s beginning to see that too. Kids are different compared to her times.
It’s tough I know if the main caregivers are the MILs and then you try to impose your rule or method on them. So in a way I’m lucky.

Helen,
You are going to be a MIL one day also hor? Maybe in 5years to 10years time?? Be a MIL that rocks huh?

Sabrina,
Aigh.. seems like MILs are pretty stubborn people huh?

Gene,
Aiks, your MIL is interfering you disciplining Ryan? That’s really bad.. I’m so sorry for you. I would probably blow my top!

Hmom,
Oh my, your MIL was really not supportive and showing it with actions. Mine was only nagging me. If she threw away my milk, I probably would have had a fight with her. Yikes!

Domestic Rat,
Blech!!

27. Twin - July 25, 2006

My MIL is the same .. sometimes I can’t stand it. The fact that she doesn’t take care and she’s got so much comment really bothers me. And I’m glad she didn’t choose to take care of my kids becos if she does I think they won’t be as independant as now. 🙂


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